1 new notification, my heart skips a beat in the hope that it's you. I open it up to be absolutely delighted that it is. I've hoped for this message day after day and finally it's arrived. I take one glimpse and burst into tears. What has my life become since that day you left? What have I become since that day? No matter what I do or where I turn it's there, the day you left, Afghan began to take over my life. It left me sitting on pins just wanting, waiting, longing for that one small touch of contact from you.
Does missing you ever get any easier? Do we ever learn to deal with it better? Or do we just choose to ignore this feeling before we fall to pieces? Wherever you are, we are never far apart. Sure it feels like we are right now. There's never a moment that passes where you aren't thought about or wanted home that very moment. Missing you isn't the worst part, it's the realisation of how very different life is when you are not here.
I feel jealous when I see guys walking home of a week day after work, knowing that they are going home to their wives and their children and I wish, I wish so bad that it could be you coming home to me, to our daughter, wrapping your arms so tightly around us and telling us how much you love us and how your day has been.
We're nearly 10 weeks down now, I can't decide whether it's flown by or whether it's dragged. On one side I think we got here fast but on the other I look back and think 10 weeks, is that it? Has it really only been 10 weeks? It feels like forever has passed since our last kiss. I start to forget your touch, your scent and start to forget what you sound like and what you look like. I long to feel you beside me, to feel your kiss and for you to hold me close.
I look forward to our r&r together and as close as I know it is, it still feels so far away. I wonder how I am going to get myself through until the day you arrive home for the first of our 5 short days together. When you want something so bad, it seems to take a life time for it to come around and you can't help but feel a sudden rush of emotions. Anger, sadness, excitement. We've waited so long for this day, the day you can hold us tight and then an obstacle of things get in our way and make it feel so much longer.
I wonder if this is ever going to end? When will we be able to step off this roller-coaster and continue with our lives. This emotion roller-coaster. This nightmare that has put our life together on hold until you return.
I wonder more often than not when I have my little time to think what we will be like upon your return? Will you just fit back in where you left off and we continue to be us? Will we have changed as a couple? Or individually? My mind is left to wander....
I take a deep breath, count to 10, pull myself together, paint on a false brave smile and continue with our daily routine asking myself, is there going to be an ending to this? Is it ever going to end?
Monday, 26 March 2012
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Is it just me?
I can honestly say that the contact is the worst part of a tour. We wait days, weeks and sometimes even months just for that one phone call. When will it be? We never know, I have taken to having my mobile on me constantly whilst I am out and if I'm home I will have the house phone, mobile and my laptop with me at all times.
There is absolutely nothing worse than knowing that there is a chance they could call and missing it. I leave the house these days and I seem to know just when my house phone is ringing and who it will be.
I wake up every morning in the hope that there is a message from him just to say hi, I'm okay, love you. The feeling of your heart sinking when you see the words "no new emails" or see that there are no new notifications for facebook. There are no words to describe that feeling.
Wouldn't it be better if we could just pick up the phone and call them whenever we wanted? I guess that we could only ever live in hope of that becoming an option for us.
There are times where the contact is only short lived and then we don't hear again for periods of time that just seem to become longer and longer between every little bit of contact.
I cannot wait for the day that I can actually have a phone call from my man without the signal being so god damn crap and not being able to hear what he says properly.
I seem to be okay with the lack of contact, it hasn't really hit me as much as I thought it would do but after I hang up from every phone call deep down I wish he would just pick up the phone and call again if only to say the words "I love you".
I hear people going on about how much contact they get and that they hear from their men at least 3 or 4 times a day and I suddenly feel sad and jealous at the fact that they have all that contact each and every day and I have to wait days or even weeks between mine. They say that they have had enough and that they can't cope with the tour any more, do they not see that they have the easier tour and that they are just being naive? I wish that I could have all of that contact and I know I certainly would not be complaining that I couldn't cope with a tour. I guess we all deal with it in different ways. I find myself sitting and questioning their strength more often than not. Do they really have to have strength if all they do is sit in day in and day out waiting for all those phone calls? To me I would just say that it's like them being away on exercise or something, not in the middle of a war zone.
How much of this can you take before you fall to pieces? My breaking point becomes lower and lower each time we speak. I seem to have hit rock bottom and can't budge myself from it. Is it bad to want him home now? To have this tour over with? We are 9 nearly 10 weeks in and as much as it feels like it has flown by I find myself sitting and thinking is that all? Are we really only that far in? Looking back on it the time seems to have dragged.
It isn't much longer now until we have him home for r&r but all I can think about is how do I get through these next few weeks knowing its so close yet still feels so far away. I want to fall completely to pieces and for him to pick me up and tell me that we are done with this tour and that everything is okay. I can't bare to have him away any longer. I found this by far the easiest tour so far but it doesn't seem that way any more, each day I wake up it seems to be harder than the last.
Is it really always going to be like this.......?
There is absolutely nothing worse than knowing that there is a chance they could call and missing it. I leave the house these days and I seem to know just when my house phone is ringing and who it will be.
I wake up every morning in the hope that there is a message from him just to say hi, I'm okay, love you. The feeling of your heart sinking when you see the words "no new emails" or see that there are no new notifications for facebook. There are no words to describe that feeling.
Wouldn't it be better if we could just pick up the phone and call them whenever we wanted? I guess that we could only ever live in hope of that becoming an option for us.
There are times where the contact is only short lived and then we don't hear again for periods of time that just seem to become longer and longer between every little bit of contact.
I cannot wait for the day that I can actually have a phone call from my man without the signal being so god damn crap and not being able to hear what he says properly.
I seem to be okay with the lack of contact, it hasn't really hit me as much as I thought it would do but after I hang up from every phone call deep down I wish he would just pick up the phone and call again if only to say the words "I love you".
I hear people going on about how much contact they get and that they hear from their men at least 3 or 4 times a day and I suddenly feel sad and jealous at the fact that they have all that contact each and every day and I have to wait days or even weeks between mine. They say that they have had enough and that they can't cope with the tour any more, do they not see that they have the easier tour and that they are just being naive? I wish that I could have all of that contact and I know I certainly would not be complaining that I couldn't cope with a tour. I guess we all deal with it in different ways. I find myself sitting and questioning their strength more often than not. Do they really have to have strength if all they do is sit in day in and day out waiting for all those phone calls? To me I would just say that it's like them being away on exercise or something, not in the middle of a war zone.
How much of this can you take before you fall to pieces? My breaking point becomes lower and lower each time we speak. I seem to have hit rock bottom and can't budge myself from it. Is it bad to want him home now? To have this tour over with? We are 9 nearly 10 weeks in and as much as it feels like it has flown by I find myself sitting and thinking is that all? Are we really only that far in? Looking back on it the time seems to have dragged.
It isn't much longer now until we have him home for r&r but all I can think about is how do I get through these next few weeks knowing its so close yet still feels so far away. I want to fall completely to pieces and for him to pick me up and tell me that we are done with this tour and that everything is okay. I can't bare to have him away any longer. I found this by far the easiest tour so far but it doesn't seem that way any more, each day I wake up it seems to be harder than the last.
Is it really always going to be like this.......?
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