1 new notification, my heart skips a beat in the hope that it's you. I open it up to be absolutely delighted that it is. I've hoped for this message day after day and finally it's arrived. I take one glimpse and burst into tears. What has my life become since that day you left? What have I become since that day? No matter what I do or where I turn it's there, the day you left, Afghan began to take over my life. It left me sitting on pins just wanting, waiting, longing for that one small touch of contact from you.
Does missing you ever get any easier? Do we ever learn to deal with it better? Or do we just choose to ignore this feeling before we fall to pieces? Wherever you are, we are never far apart. Sure it feels like we are right now. There's never a moment that passes where you aren't thought about or wanted home that very moment. Missing you isn't the worst part, it's the realisation of how very different life is when you are not here.
I feel jealous when I see guys walking home of a week day after work, knowing that they are going home to their wives and their children and I wish, I wish so bad that it could be you coming home to me, to our daughter, wrapping your arms so tightly around us and telling us how much you love us and how your day has been.
We're nearly 10 weeks down now, I can't decide whether it's flown by or whether it's dragged. On one side I think we got here fast but on the other I look back and think 10 weeks, is that it? Has it really only been 10 weeks? It feels like forever has passed since our last kiss. I start to forget your touch, your scent and start to forget what you sound like and what you look like. I long to feel you beside me, to feel your kiss and for you to hold me close.
I look forward to our r&r together and as close as I know it is, it still feels so far away. I wonder how I am going to get myself through until the day you arrive home for the first of our 5 short days together. When you want something so bad, it seems to take a life time for it to come around and you can't help but feel a sudden rush of emotions. Anger, sadness, excitement. We've waited so long for this day, the day you can hold us tight and then an obstacle of things get in our way and make it feel so much longer.
I wonder if this is ever going to end? When will we be able to step off this roller-coaster and continue with our lives. This emotion roller-coaster. This nightmare that has put our life together on hold until you return.
I wonder more often than not when I have my little time to think what we will be like upon your return? Will you just fit back in where you left off and we continue to be us? Will we have changed as a couple? Or individually? My mind is left to wander....
I take a deep breath, count to 10, pull myself together, paint on a false brave smile and continue with our daily routine asking myself, is there going to be an ending to this? Is it ever going to end?
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