Naive?

I despise people who seem to think that we have it easy and our men have it hard, just a little correction for those of you who criticise us and believe this comment to be true we don't have it easy, we have it just as hard as our men do! We fight our first battle the moment we say "see you soon" and kiss them that last kiss before they leave. I question myself and others in the same lifestyle, would these people be able to walk a mile in our shoes before passing judgement? The answer? What would you say? No. Truth be told, these are the people who couldn't find the strength that we have to carry on, these are the people who would break at the first hurdle. Before you criticise; take a step back, have a look at what we go through on a daily basis throughout deployment. Live a day in our life and then begin to criticise us. My opinion? Correct me if I am wrong but, I believe you wouldn't have the balls to.
How could someone sit there throughout a tour on a daily basis and wait for phone call after phone call from someone who is supposed to be out fighting a war and say that they have the strength to get through it? My personal opinion, that doesn't take strength. You have 6 maybe more phone calls a day and you say you can't cope. What? Are you serious? I mean, the rest of us, we have 1 phone call a week that's if we are lucky but do we say we can't cope? No. You say this, but you just seem so naive. Do you even know what it feels like to go days, weeks or even months on end between each bit of contact?
I often wonder what it would be like to be able to receive a phone call from my love each day, several times a day for that matter but I just cannot seem to imagine it. They are in the middle of a war, both us and them are lucky that they even have phones or the internet out there. I think about what you'd be like if they didn't and I can honestly say, you would have broken at the first hurdle. What would you do if your only point of contact was writing a letter by pen and paper and waiting weeks on end for a reply. It would drive you mad, so please, shut up moaning that he's not called today, man up and get on with it. We are extremely lucky that we don't have to go through that way of contact.

Is This Ever Going To End?

1 new notification, my heart skips a beat in the hope that it's you. I open it up to be absolutely delighted that it is. I've hoped for this message day after day and finally it's arrived. I take one glimpse and burst into tears. What has my life become since that day you left? What have I become since that day? No matter what I do or where I turn it's there, the day you left, Afghan began to take over my life. It left me sitting on pins just wanting, waiting, longing for that one small touch of contact from you.
Does missing you ever get any easier? Do we ever learn to deal with it better? Or do we just choose to ignore this feeling before we fall to pieces? Wherever you are, we are never far apart. Sure it feels like we are right now. There's never a moment that passes where you aren't thought about or wanted home that very moment. Missing you isn't the worst part, it's the realisation of how very different life is when you are not here.
I feel jealous when I see guys walking home of a week day after work, knowing that they are going home to their wives and their children and I wish, I wish so bad that it could be you coming home to me, to our daughter, wrapping your arms so tightly around us and telling us how much you love us and how your day has been.
We're nearly 10 weeks down now, I can't decide whether it's flown by or whether it's dragged. On one side I think we got here fast but on the other I look back and think 10 weeks, is that it? Has it really only been 10 weeks? It feels like forever has passed since our last kiss. I start to forget your touch, your scent and start to forget what you sound like and what you look like. I long to feel you beside me, to feel your kiss and for you to hold me close.
I look forward to our r&r together and as close as I know it is, it still feels so far away. I wonder how I am going to get myself through until the day you arrive home for the first of our 5 short days together. When you want something so bad, it seems to take a life time for it to come around and you can't help but feel a sudden rush of emotions. Anger, sadness, excitement. We've waited so long for this day, the day you can hold us tight and then an obstacle of things get in our way and make it feel so much longer.
I wonder if this is ever going to end? When will we be able to step off this roller-coaster and continue with our lives. This emotion roller-coaster. This nightmare that has put our life together on hold until you return.
I wonder more often than not when I have my little time to think what we will be like upon your return? Will you just fit back in where you left off and we continue to be us? Will we have changed as a couple? Or individually? My mind is left to wander....
I take a deep breath, count to 10, pull myself together, paint on a false brave smile and continue with our daily routine asking myself, is there going to be an ending to this? Is it ever going to end?

Is it just me?

I can honestly say that the contact is the worst part of a tour. We wait days, weeks and sometimes even months just for that one phone call. When will it be? We never know, I have taken to having my mobile on me constantly whilst I am out and if I'm home I will have the house phone, mobile and my laptop with me at all times.
There is absolutely nothing worse than knowing that there is a chance they could call and missing it. I leave the house these days and I seem to know just when my house phone is ringing and who it will be.
I wake up every morning in the hope that there is a message from him just to say hi, I'm okay, love you. The feeling of your heart sinking when you see the words "no new emails" or see that there are no new notifications for facebook. There are no words to describe that feeling.
Wouldn't it be better if we could just pick up the phone and call them whenever we wanted? I guess that we could only ever live in hope of that becoming an option for us.
There are times where the contact is only short lived and then we don't hear again for periods of time that just seem to become longer and longer between every little bit of contact.
I cannot wait for the day that I can actually have a phone call from my man without the signal being so god damn crap and not being able to hear what he says properly.
I seem to be okay with the lack of contact, it hasn't really hit me as much as I thought it would do but after I hang up from every phone call deep down I wish he would just pick up the phone and call again if only to say the words "I love you".
I hear people going on about how much contact they get and that they hear from their men at least 3 or 4 times a day and I suddenly feel sad and jealous at the fact that they have all that contact each and every day and I have to wait days or even weeks between mine. They say that they have had enough and that they can't cope with the tour any more, do they not see that they have the easier tour and that they are just being naive? I wish that I could have all of that contact and I know I certainly would not be complaining that I couldn't cope with a tour. I guess we all deal with it in different ways. I find myself sitting and questioning their strength more often than not. Do they really have to have strength if all they do is sit in day in and day out waiting for all those phone calls? To me I would just say that it's like them being away on exercise or something, not in the middle of a war zone.
How much of this can you take before you fall to pieces? My breaking point becomes lower and lower each time we speak. I seem to have hit rock bottom and can't budge myself from it. Is it bad to want him home now? To have this tour over with? We are 9 nearly 10 weeks in and as much as it feels like it has flown by I find myself sitting and thinking is that all? Are we really only that far in? Looking back on it the time seems to have dragged.
It isn't much longer now until we have him home for r&r but all I can think about is how do I get through these next few weeks knowing its so close yet still feels so far away. I want to fall completely to pieces and for him to pick me up and tell me that we are done with this tour and that everything is okay. I can't bare to have him away any longer. I found this by far the easiest tour so far but it doesn't seem that way any more, each day I wake up it seems to be harder than the last.
Is it really always going to be like this.......?

Another Week Down

We're another week down and still wondering when we are going to have the news of when R&R is going to be.
Time is going nowhere and now when I say "it wont be long until he is home again" I'm really starting to believe it. Keeping my days filled, my daughter is certainly keeping me on my toes. She's going to give her daddy such a shock when he returns to us for R&R, she's going to be so big by then.
People on the "outside" often ask me how I am, whether I'm coping or not, as horrible as it sounds, our lives can't stop just because the love of my life is in the middle of a war zone. If we stopped and sat to dwell on the situation all the time, we wouldn't get through this tour. The only way to do it seems to be to keep yourself as busy as possible. I spend the days with my daughter, visiting friends, getting my shopping done and leave the small things until the weekend. They are the worst and leaving things like cleaning until then or even soaps that I've recorded during the week seem to make them go quicker as you aren't just sat around waiting for time to slowly pass.
Each day at a time. I still can't begin to understand anything about how he must be feeling out there. Understandable he can hide it all because to him he is just doing his job and has to concentrate fully without any situations back home becoming the forefront of his concentration.
Our daughter has begun to do so much since he left and seems to be so bright, I often sit and wonder whether she will know who he is once he returns for a week at home with us. I try to show her pictures each day and explain to her that its her daddy and that he loves and misses her. I give her kisses and cuddles before bed and tell her that daddy has sent them over thousands of miles.
When it comes to a tour and you have a child so young many of us often worry about what its going to be like, we dread the day that they leave and wonder how we will cope without them being here. As a matter of fact, as much as we are only used to having ourselves to worry about during a tour for those of us that have been through this before, we now how a little person to concentrate on and help fill our time with plenty of smiles and happiness. It isn't all as bad as it seems to be at first. We keep our days full with planning things and for those important milestones of what our little ones learn we take pictures - lots of them. It will become the norm for you to take your camera every where you go for those "just in case" moments.
Does it ever cross your mind as to how our men will find it at the end of tour to come back home to us and try to fit into the way we have run things over the past months whilst they have been gone? Those deep thoughts often run through my mind, how will he settle back into home life and being around our daughter, will he settle in okay, or will he have trouble along the way? They have to know that not only through the tour but also once they return that they will still have our support should they need it. Its not as easy as a lot of people expect it to be for them to settle with no difficulties at all. There will always be some bumps along the way but those are the bumps that you learn to deal with one step at a time.
As the saying goes, "One Step At A Time, Each Day As It Comes".......

Another Day

We're nearly two weeks down without my husband and I begin to wonder where all of this time has actually gone, it's starting to feel like there aren't enough hours in a day. We are finally settling into our routine without him being here although it still feels strange to sit down alone without him at night. There's a sudden excitement knowing that we are two weeks down but a sadness at wondering how much longer it really is until we get to see each other again. What seem's so far can also seem so close at the same time. Another day over with, another day closer to having the love of my life back in my arms. I miss him more and more every day and while it feels as though it gets easier day by day there are still times when I sit down and just burst into tears. Nobody ever said it would be easy, it's sure as hell right with that one but also nobody ever said we would get used to this heartache. I honestly believe the saying "You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it" I don't believe that any truer word could have been said. I find myself some days wondering whether I am actually strong enough to live this life, to go through all of these tours and endless worry that comes alongside it all but then I realise exactly why I do it.. Because I'm a very lucky lady to be in love with a soldier! I have someone who loves me for me, someone who knows that no matter what I will support them through whatever they decide, whether or not that means being away to better their own career. I'll always be to some people, "that woman who doesn't really see her husband" But you know what, I cherish every moment that I do see him and I remember throughout all of this just exactly what it is we have together.. A life, a life that means everything to us as a family.
A lot of people don't understand any of what we go through, as a wife or as our husbands on tour away from home for months at a time. Someone said to me today that if their husband was in the army and a chance for him to go on tour came up that they would be "kicking them out of the front door within seconds" so that they could better their child's life. Woah! Seriously?! This is a war we are talking about, anyone who "loves" their man truly, I can guarantee would NOT be kicking them out of the door in seconds to go on tour to which there's always that possibility that they may not return. Excuse me for not wanting to spend months apart from my husband, but that doesn't mean that we won't find other ways to better our child's life. It always makes me feel better to know that these people wouldn't last a day in our shoes.
I always sit down and think about how my man feels, how does he feel about being there and being away from us, what does he think about etc.. I guess this is something  I will never truly know, once we know about a tour coming up and once we get in the last couple of months before it he starts to shut himself off, not completely, but he doesn't talk about how he feels about it all. Maybe one day, after this is over, he will feel that he can open up about it. Maybe one day....

Long, Lonely Nights

There's many nights during this tour where I find myself dropping at the point of exhaustion yet I still manage to find myself climbing into bed and lying awake for hours on end just wishing you were here and wondering what it would be like if you were.
These nights are beginning to feel long and become very lonely at times, its inevitable that you are going to think about things.. Lots of things. I often wonder whilst I'm in bed what your doing at that moment in time, would you be lay in bed thinking of me like I do about you?!
No matter how far away you are I'm always made to feel so close to you, I see the moon at night, hold out my thumb and make it disappear knowing that it's the same size wherever you are and you see it the way I do.
My body, my mind, nearly every part of me is here, yet my heart isn't. Instead its thousands of miles away being put under servere stress that only the strong survive.
I wonder if you know how I'm feeling, how I'm coping. Wondering if you understand the way my emotions are set to be switched every few minutes. If you knew I cry every night because I miss you dearly, I wonder the things that you would tell me and if you'd see how much I've tried to be strong. I wonder if you could see that during this time I only wear a false smile, that I paint on a brave face everytime I wake ready to start a new day.
Many people often say to me that they don't know how I do this, they say it like I have a choice, only little do they know... I don't. You can't help who you fall in love with and when its true love their job doesn't come into it. You learn to adapt to the new lifestyle that you walk into. To say that we get used to it is an understatement because we never do, we just keep strong for who we love and learn to deal with everything that is thrown our way. How could anyone ever be expected to "get used" to this? You uproot your whole life, often at short notice, every three years. You move around the world and change jobs more times than you could remember but we never complain. Wherever my love goes is where I will go. Always. This is the life where you either understand it, accept it and adjust to it or you don't understand and never become a part of it.
I spend many a times wondering what it would be like for our men to put themselves into our shoes for the length of a tour, but would they really understand what we go through? Truth be told, I don't think they would, as much as they would try. I wish that they could see the way we deal things, understand that we don't tell them everything about the way that we feel because we don't want to put added pressure on them and risk them losing concentration on their job and see how much that one call can mean to us when we are feeling down. I can't begin to imagine how they feel about being on tour but that I will never understand as much as I try to, all I can do is show my support for him, but in return what do I get? I don't get the support that I need from him, I have to take that from family and friends. It's equally as hard for both parties, or is it? They may be in a warzone, in constant danger but they know that they are okay, they are constantly busy and they are constantly surrounded by others. We don't know that they are okay, we have to wait for that letter, that email or that phone call from them, whenever that maybe for them just to let us know that they are okay, once we've finished our day and the kids are in bed, that's our routine over with, we're alone then and we have nothing else to do, it gives us that time to sit and think. I find myself sitting here of an evening wondering when that next contact will be and if he is okay. Is this ever going to end? It really doesn't feel like it...

The First Day Of The Next 5 Months Alone

Yesterday, that smile faded and many tears flowed. What many didn't realise is that it would be this day I would say "see you soon" to my darling husband leaving for his third tour of duty. Only those who are in the same situation would truly understand how it feels to let the love of your life walk in to the distance and travel to somewhere that seems like a completely different world to fight what feels like an endless war.
 I try to think back to our last tour and wonder how I felt back then, there are things I sit here and think "oh I definitely felt this way then" but truth be told.. I feel completely different about this tour than I did the last and my feelings about it are so different.
 I woke up this morning, put on a brave face and told myself everything was going to be okay and that he would be home before we know it.. Little did I realise  just how much I would truly think about this whole situation once I had put my daughter to bed. She keeps my days short but filled and happy with those never ending smiles. Having time to think only makes you realise how much your partner misses out on.
 I often wonder what it would be like for us as a family to live a different lifestyle to the army, would we be the way we are now? Would we be happy like we are now? Would we still be the people we are today? My honest answer to that.. No, we wouldn't. As much as I hate the constant time apart for courses and these tours, I wouldn't change the way our life is, I love every part of it. Each bit of time away makes you grow stronger both as an independent person and as a couple. My husband is my rock and although its going to be tough without him for the next five months and this realisation of how very different life is when he's not here is a huge kick up the rear end I know that we will sail through this and come out at the other end even stronger than we were when he left.
 Keeping these tears held back is a battle on its own, especially at the beginning, that is the hardest part. I'll sail through this next few weeks and live on being a rock for my soldier when he needs me however much I myself will be needing a shoulder to cry on because I know that each e-bluey and parcel I send will be opened with a huge smile and he will always know that we are going to be sat waiting with open arms for him upon his return.
 From the moment that you know they are ready for their flight until the moment you get that first phone call from them at the other end just to say "I'm here, I'm safe and I'll call when I can" is a waiting game, one where you don't want to do anything because your not sure of when they are going to call and are so afraid of missing it and not knowing when the next contact would be. It seems that from now on, this tour and this war will rule my life. I fall asleep each night with my laptop by my side, my mobile under my pillow and the house phone on my bedside, at least if he calls or messages there's a chance I'll hear it.
 Tomorrow will be a new day, I have to wake up, put on another brave face, false smile and proceed with my day, hoping that maybe at some point I will have that call and hear his voice, if only just for a few moments. Its that few moments that I will truly treasure until the next call...