There's many nights during this tour where I find myself dropping at the point of exhaustion yet I still manage to find myself climbing into bed and lying awake for hours on end just wishing you were here and wondering what it would be like if you were.
These nights are beginning to feel long and become very lonely at times, its inevitable that you are going to think about things.. Lots of things. I often wonder whilst I'm in bed what your doing at that moment in time, would you be lay in bed thinking of me like I do about you?!
No matter how far away you are I'm always made to feel so close to you, I see the moon at night, hold out my thumb and make it disappear knowing that it's the same size wherever you are and you see it the way I do.
My body, my mind, nearly every part of me is here, yet my heart isn't. Instead its thousands of miles away being put under servere stress that only the strong survive.
I wonder if you know how I'm feeling, how I'm coping. Wondering if you understand the way my emotions are set to be switched every few minutes. If you knew I cry every night because I miss you dearly, I wonder the things that you would tell me and if you'd see how much I've tried to be strong. I wonder if you could see that during this time I only wear a false smile, that I paint on a brave face everytime I wake ready to start a new day.
Many people often say to me that they don't know how I do this, they say it like I have a choice, only little do they know... I don't. You can't help who you fall in love with and when its true love their job doesn't come into it. You learn to adapt to the new lifestyle that you walk into. To say that we get used to it is an understatement because we never do, we just keep strong for who we love and learn to deal with everything that is thrown our way. How could anyone ever be expected to "get used" to this? You uproot your whole life, often at short notice, every three years. You move around the world and change jobs more times than you could remember but we never complain. Wherever my love goes is where I will go. Always. This is the life where you either understand it, accept it and adjust to it or you don't understand and never become a part of it.
I spend many a times wondering what it would be like for our men to put themselves into our shoes for the length of a tour, but would they really understand what we go through? Truth be told, I don't think they would, as much as they would try. I wish that they could see the way we deal things, understand that we don't tell them everything about the way that we feel because we don't want to put added pressure on them and risk them losing concentration on their job and see how much that one call can mean to us when we are feeling down. I can't begin to imagine how they feel about being on tour but that I will never understand as much as I try to, all I can do is show my support for him, but in return what do I get? I don't get the support that I need from him, I have to take that from family and friends. It's equally as hard for both parties, or is it? They may be in a warzone, in constant danger but they know that they are okay, they are constantly busy and they are constantly surrounded by others. We don't know that they are okay, we have to wait for that letter, that email or that phone call from them, whenever that maybe for them just to let us know that they are okay, once we've finished our day and the kids are in bed, that's our routine over with, we're alone then and we have nothing else to do, it gives us that time to sit and think. I find myself sitting here of an evening wondering when that next contact will be and if he is okay. Is this ever going to end? It really doesn't feel like it...
These nights are beginning to feel long and become very lonely at times, its inevitable that you are going to think about things.. Lots of things. I often wonder whilst I'm in bed what your doing at that moment in time, would you be lay in bed thinking of me like I do about you?!
No matter how far away you are I'm always made to feel so close to you, I see the moon at night, hold out my thumb and make it disappear knowing that it's the same size wherever you are and you see it the way I do.
My body, my mind, nearly every part of me is here, yet my heart isn't. Instead its thousands of miles away being put under servere stress that only the strong survive.
I wonder if you know how I'm feeling, how I'm coping. Wondering if you understand the way my emotions are set to be switched every few minutes. If you knew I cry every night because I miss you dearly, I wonder the things that you would tell me and if you'd see how much I've tried to be strong. I wonder if you could see that during this time I only wear a false smile, that I paint on a brave face everytime I wake ready to start a new day.
Many people often say to me that they don't know how I do this, they say it like I have a choice, only little do they know... I don't. You can't help who you fall in love with and when its true love their job doesn't come into it. You learn to adapt to the new lifestyle that you walk into. To say that we get used to it is an understatement because we never do, we just keep strong for who we love and learn to deal with everything that is thrown our way. How could anyone ever be expected to "get used" to this? You uproot your whole life, often at short notice, every three years. You move around the world and change jobs more times than you could remember but we never complain. Wherever my love goes is where I will go. Always. This is the life where you either understand it, accept it and adjust to it or you don't understand and never become a part of it.
I spend many a times wondering what it would be like for our men to put themselves into our shoes for the length of a tour, but would they really understand what we go through? Truth be told, I don't think they would, as much as they would try. I wish that they could see the way we deal things, understand that we don't tell them everything about the way that we feel because we don't want to put added pressure on them and risk them losing concentration on their job and see how much that one call can mean to us when we are feeling down. I can't begin to imagine how they feel about being on tour but that I will never understand as much as I try to, all I can do is show my support for him, but in return what do I get? I don't get the support that I need from him, I have to take that from family and friends. It's equally as hard for both parties, or is it? They may be in a warzone, in constant danger but they know that they are okay, they are constantly busy and they are constantly surrounded by others. We don't know that they are okay, we have to wait for that letter, that email or that phone call from them, whenever that maybe for them just to let us know that they are okay, once we've finished our day and the kids are in bed, that's our routine over with, we're alone then and we have nothing else to do, it gives us that time to sit and think. I find myself sitting here of an evening wondering when that next contact will be and if he is okay. Is this ever going to end? It really doesn't feel like it...
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