The Weekend Before Deployment

Well, we are now down to our final few days before he leaves for deployment. Tour no.3 to be exact. This is our 2nd tour together. We are both dreading this one, tour no.1 wasn't so bad, so what's so different this time around?! Well, our 5 month old daughter is. She is just starting to learn who people are, starting to roll over and for the last couple of months bursts into laughter at the smallest little movement. This is the worst part that he is going to miss, we've never really spoken to each other about how we really feel about deployments etc.. He just says, he'd like it to come around already, at least that way we are getting it over and done with.
How do I feel about all of this? Honestly, I spent the first 6 months after we found out he was going again in denial and totally refused to speak about it, if I overheard him talking about "Afghanistan" to anybody, I would leave the room. I didn't want to hear anything about it, I didn't want to know what he was going to be doing or where he would be. I didn't want to think about any of the danger that he could appear to be in. I was 5 months pregnant at the time, and that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I had just returned from taking my mother in law to the beach for the day in Ballykinlar with the dogs, lovely hot summers day and I returned home to the news I was dreading.

How am I feeling about this now with just days to go? Well in my own sort of way, I seem to have just pushed my husband out of the things that I will now have to do alone once he has left. It seems the easiest thing to do, distancing myself from him. I carry on as though he isn't here, him walking through the door is like a little shock. Maybe I have been that little bit too strong for a bit too long and finally I broke and I poured my heart out to him last night. The feeling of knowing that day is going to come when you know how much you don't want it to. Times like this I really wish that time would just stand still, just for those few moments longer. Every moment we spend together are the moments that I truly treasure.

 I read a blog today and a quote that really stood out to me was this "Homecoming is only a temporary state when you are married to a soldier." Personally, I think no truer words could have been said. It seems in the last two years that we have been married and posted here that he has very rarely been home, we faced our first tour in the first few months of being here. There are times now where I just stand back and sometimes let him leave so easily without a tear... Some people may ask why? But that is now my way of life, he's never home for longer than a couple of weeks at a time. Saying goodbye or as I would now put it "See you soon" seems the norm to me these days. 

None of this means that I don't miss him, because I do, more than anyone would ever understand unless you are put into an army wives shoes. It just means that you learn to deal with things, we never get over things, we never feel better about it. The difference is, we are strong women, we stand among the silent ranks, we have our ups and our downs and we learn how to cope whilst they are away and we learn to allow them to come home and just fit in straight away where they where when they left. My favourite quote of all time is "missing you isn't the worst part, its the realisation of how different life is when you are not around" This describes so perfectly just exactly how I feel. Missing my husband I can deal with, but life without him, that I cant.
So here's to deployment no.3, if it wasn't for my fellow wags with all their support, I wouldn't be where I am now and I certainly would not be able to get through this tour without them.