Another Day

We're nearly two weeks down without my husband and I begin to wonder where all of this time has actually gone, it's starting to feel like there aren't enough hours in a day. We are finally settling into our routine without him being here although it still feels strange to sit down alone without him at night. There's a sudden excitement knowing that we are two weeks down but a sadness at wondering how much longer it really is until we get to see each other again. What seem's so far can also seem so close at the same time. Another day over with, another day closer to having the love of my life back in my arms. I miss him more and more every day and while it feels as though it gets easier day by day there are still times when I sit down and just burst into tears. Nobody ever said it would be easy, it's sure as hell right with that one but also nobody ever said we would get used to this heartache. I honestly believe the saying "You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it" I don't believe that any truer word could have been said. I find myself some days wondering whether I am actually strong enough to live this life, to go through all of these tours and endless worry that comes alongside it all but then I realise exactly why I do it.. Because I'm a very lucky lady to be in love with a soldier! I have someone who loves me for me, someone who knows that no matter what I will support them through whatever they decide, whether or not that means being away to better their own career. I'll always be to some people, "that woman who doesn't really see her husband" But you know what, I cherish every moment that I do see him and I remember throughout all of this just exactly what it is we have together.. A life, a life that means everything to us as a family.
A lot of people don't understand any of what we go through, as a wife or as our husbands on tour away from home for months at a time. Someone said to me today that if their husband was in the army and a chance for him to go on tour came up that they would be "kicking them out of the front door within seconds" so that they could better their child's life. Woah! Seriously?! This is a war we are talking about, anyone who "loves" their man truly, I can guarantee would NOT be kicking them out of the door in seconds to go on tour to which there's always that possibility that they may not return. Excuse me for not wanting to spend months apart from my husband, but that doesn't mean that we won't find other ways to better our child's life. It always makes me feel better to know that these people wouldn't last a day in our shoes.
I always sit down and think about how my man feels, how does he feel about being there and being away from us, what does he think about etc.. I guess this is something  I will never truly know, once we know about a tour coming up and once we get in the last couple of months before it he starts to shut himself off, not completely, but he doesn't talk about how he feels about it all. Maybe one day, after this is over, he will feel that he can open up about it. Maybe one day....

Long, Lonely Nights

There's many nights during this tour where I find myself dropping at the point of exhaustion yet I still manage to find myself climbing into bed and lying awake for hours on end just wishing you were here and wondering what it would be like if you were.
These nights are beginning to feel long and become very lonely at times, its inevitable that you are going to think about things.. Lots of things. I often wonder whilst I'm in bed what your doing at that moment in time, would you be lay in bed thinking of me like I do about you?!
No matter how far away you are I'm always made to feel so close to you, I see the moon at night, hold out my thumb and make it disappear knowing that it's the same size wherever you are and you see it the way I do.
My body, my mind, nearly every part of me is here, yet my heart isn't. Instead its thousands of miles away being put under servere stress that only the strong survive.
I wonder if you know how I'm feeling, how I'm coping. Wondering if you understand the way my emotions are set to be switched every few minutes. If you knew I cry every night because I miss you dearly, I wonder the things that you would tell me and if you'd see how much I've tried to be strong. I wonder if you could see that during this time I only wear a false smile, that I paint on a brave face everytime I wake ready to start a new day.
Many people often say to me that they don't know how I do this, they say it like I have a choice, only little do they know... I don't. You can't help who you fall in love with and when its true love their job doesn't come into it. You learn to adapt to the new lifestyle that you walk into. To say that we get used to it is an understatement because we never do, we just keep strong for who we love and learn to deal with everything that is thrown our way. How could anyone ever be expected to "get used" to this? You uproot your whole life, often at short notice, every three years. You move around the world and change jobs more times than you could remember but we never complain. Wherever my love goes is where I will go. Always. This is the life where you either understand it, accept it and adjust to it or you don't understand and never become a part of it.
I spend many a times wondering what it would be like for our men to put themselves into our shoes for the length of a tour, but would they really understand what we go through? Truth be told, I don't think they would, as much as they would try. I wish that they could see the way we deal things, understand that we don't tell them everything about the way that we feel because we don't want to put added pressure on them and risk them losing concentration on their job and see how much that one call can mean to us when we are feeling down. I can't begin to imagine how they feel about being on tour but that I will never understand as much as I try to, all I can do is show my support for him, but in return what do I get? I don't get the support that I need from him, I have to take that from family and friends. It's equally as hard for both parties, or is it? They may be in a warzone, in constant danger but they know that they are okay, they are constantly busy and they are constantly surrounded by others. We don't know that they are okay, we have to wait for that letter, that email or that phone call from them, whenever that maybe for them just to let us know that they are okay, once we've finished our day and the kids are in bed, that's our routine over with, we're alone then and we have nothing else to do, it gives us that time to sit and think. I find myself sitting here of an evening wondering when that next contact will be and if he is okay. Is this ever going to end? It really doesn't feel like it...

The First Day Of The Next 5 Months Alone

Yesterday, that smile faded and many tears flowed. What many didn't realise is that it would be this day I would say "see you soon" to my darling husband leaving for his third tour of duty. Only those who are in the same situation would truly understand how it feels to let the love of your life walk in to the distance and travel to somewhere that seems like a completely different world to fight what feels like an endless war.
 I try to think back to our last tour and wonder how I felt back then, there are things I sit here and think "oh I definitely felt this way then" but truth be told.. I feel completely different about this tour than I did the last and my feelings about it are so different.
 I woke up this morning, put on a brave face and told myself everything was going to be okay and that he would be home before we know it.. Little did I realise  just how much I would truly think about this whole situation once I had put my daughter to bed. She keeps my days short but filled and happy with those never ending smiles. Having time to think only makes you realise how much your partner misses out on.
 I often wonder what it would be like for us as a family to live a different lifestyle to the army, would we be the way we are now? Would we be happy like we are now? Would we still be the people we are today? My honest answer to that.. No, we wouldn't. As much as I hate the constant time apart for courses and these tours, I wouldn't change the way our life is, I love every part of it. Each bit of time away makes you grow stronger both as an independent person and as a couple. My husband is my rock and although its going to be tough without him for the next five months and this realisation of how very different life is when he's not here is a huge kick up the rear end I know that we will sail through this and come out at the other end even stronger than we were when he left.
 Keeping these tears held back is a battle on its own, especially at the beginning, that is the hardest part. I'll sail through this next few weeks and live on being a rock for my soldier when he needs me however much I myself will be needing a shoulder to cry on because I know that each e-bluey and parcel I send will be opened with a huge smile and he will always know that we are going to be sat waiting with open arms for him upon his return.
 From the moment that you know they are ready for their flight until the moment you get that first phone call from them at the other end just to say "I'm here, I'm safe and I'll call when I can" is a waiting game, one where you don't want to do anything because your not sure of when they are going to call and are so afraid of missing it and not knowing when the next contact would be. It seems that from now on, this tour and this war will rule my life. I fall asleep each night with my laptop by my side, my mobile under my pillow and the house phone on my bedside, at least if he calls or messages there's a chance I'll hear it.
 Tomorrow will be a new day, I have to wake up, put on another brave face, false smile and proceed with my day, hoping that maybe at some point I will have that call and hear his voice, if only just for a few moments. Its that few moments that I will truly treasure until the next call...

The Weekend Before Deployment

Well, we are now down to our final few days before he leaves for deployment. Tour no.3 to be exact. This is our 2nd tour together. We are both dreading this one, tour no.1 wasn't so bad, so what's so different this time around?! Well, our 5 month old daughter is. She is just starting to learn who people are, starting to roll over and for the last couple of months bursts into laughter at the smallest little movement. This is the worst part that he is going to miss, we've never really spoken to each other about how we really feel about deployments etc.. He just says, he'd like it to come around already, at least that way we are getting it over and done with.
How do I feel about all of this? Honestly, I spent the first 6 months after we found out he was going again in denial and totally refused to speak about it, if I overheard him talking about "Afghanistan" to anybody, I would leave the room. I didn't want to hear anything about it, I didn't want to know what he was going to be doing or where he would be. I didn't want to think about any of the danger that he could appear to be in. I was 5 months pregnant at the time, and that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I had just returned from taking my mother in law to the beach for the day in Ballykinlar with the dogs, lovely hot summers day and I returned home to the news I was dreading.

How am I feeling about this now with just days to go? Well in my own sort of way, I seem to have just pushed my husband out of the things that I will now have to do alone once he has left. It seems the easiest thing to do, distancing myself from him. I carry on as though he isn't here, him walking through the door is like a little shock. Maybe I have been that little bit too strong for a bit too long and finally I broke and I poured my heart out to him last night. The feeling of knowing that day is going to come when you know how much you don't want it to. Times like this I really wish that time would just stand still, just for those few moments longer. Every moment we spend together are the moments that I truly treasure.

 I read a blog today and a quote that really stood out to me was this "Homecoming is only a temporary state when you are married to a soldier." Personally, I think no truer words could have been said. It seems in the last two years that we have been married and posted here that he has very rarely been home, we faced our first tour in the first few months of being here. There are times now where I just stand back and sometimes let him leave so easily without a tear... Some people may ask why? But that is now my way of life, he's never home for longer than a couple of weeks at a time. Saying goodbye or as I would now put it "See you soon" seems the norm to me these days. 

None of this means that I don't miss him, because I do, more than anyone would ever understand unless you are put into an army wives shoes. It just means that you learn to deal with things, we never get over things, we never feel better about it. The difference is, we are strong women, we stand among the silent ranks, we have our ups and our downs and we learn how to cope whilst they are away and we learn to allow them to come home and just fit in straight away where they where when they left. My favourite quote of all time is "missing you isn't the worst part, its the realisation of how different life is when you are not around" This describes so perfectly just exactly how I feel. Missing my husband I can deal with, but life without him, that I cant.
So here's to deployment no.3, if it wasn't for my fellow wags with all their support, I wouldn't be where I am now and I certainly would not be able to get through this tour without them.